This Time It's Personal

To Top It Off, Stupid Too

Hey there folks, well it’s time for another story about how stupid I am. I always like to think that I’m on the smarter side, at least compared to most humans, but I guess I’m lying to myself, because I’m just a dumb brunette, and not even a pretty one.

But like I always say, I tell this story for no other reason than I hope it will make someone laugh.

Picture it: Plymouth, Massachusetts, 2021. Yesterday, in fact. How’s that for recent? Three women walk into a bar and grill at lunchtime. Those three women being me, my mother and one of my very favorite aunts.

There weren’t a lot of people in the bar, only a few having lunch and one drunk guy who sort of looked like Keith Richards. But I’ll tell his story another time. This one’s about me and my lack of common knowledge pertaining to the outside world.

We sat up on a high booth. Looking around the bar, you’d see the typical things. TV screens, ads for beer and Jason Varitek being lifted up by Keith Foulke when the Red Sox won The World Series in 2004. That totally made my day, by the way. It’s like, I don’t know how anyone in the state of Massachusetts can get through the day without seeing a picture hanging somewhere of the Red Sox winning The World Series. I totally get how that’s essential to daily life. (see, I can be sarcastic too)

But looking above the bar itself, I noticed something. A digital calendar in red numbers. It said: “JULY 22, 2000 – 1:08 PM”

July 22… 2000? I squinted to make sure I was seeing that right. Yes, I was. The correct time and date, yet the year was wrong. It should say 2021, right? Because the the fucking date was July 22, 2021. I even joked to my aunt that this must be some kind of “Time Machine Bar” since the year is programmed in as being 21 years ago.

So, then, in my never-ending quest to be less shy, I brought the issue up with our waitress. I said “Hey, did you know your calendar says 2000? It must be programed wrong.”

So she explained, “Oh, that’s the date you need to be born to drink. You’d be 21 if you were born on July 22, 2000. Crazy, right?”

Crazy, indeed.

Not only did I feel like a fucking idiot, I felt old too. Why couldn’t I figure that out? Is this, in part, why I’m such a failure at life? I mean, it’s obvious. You’re at a bar and the digital clock posts the minimum age you can be to buy a drink. You would have to have been born on July 22, 2000 or earlier. WOW. It’s not rocket science. I wanted to strangle myself. The waitress must have thought I was retarded.

Now get one thing right. I used to go to bars, and I don’t anymore. I outgrew getting drunk all the time (if outgrowing that is even a thing) so maybe that’s why I’d never seen a digital clock posting the age of the very minimum you can be to buy a drink. I don’t know. Usually they’d just card people. Sometimes there’d be a sign that says “In order to be served you must be born in the year —- or before” But I’d never seen a clock. I guess the clock reminded me of Back To The Future, so that’s why I thought they’d programmed the year in wrong. Boy, am I dumb.

Well that’s it for that story. As far as the food and service at that bar goes, let’s just say they’re lucky that my IP address was banned on YELP. The service was so slow we almost didn’t get our food until July 22, 2022. And it wasn’t that good either. No more going to bars during the day for lunch.

Here’s a pic to make your day:

Keith Foulke and Jason Veritek. October 27, 2004. I do not own this image, the original owners retain all copyrights.

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